Maraudering Mayhem
by Umbrae Calamitas
Summary: Presenting: The Marauders in a collection of random one-shots concerning everything from James' boxers to how much Filch really loves his cat. Accepting ideas.


Author's Note: **Yet another fic I dug out of one of my folders. This is the first chapter of an ongoing series that will be updated whenever I gain a good idea. I'll probably eventually rewrite this chapter, but I hope you enjoy it, anyway, and, as always…** _**Live long. Live well. Write. **_ Maraudering Mayhem - Student-Teacher Relationships - **"Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" **

**"Merlin, someone shut him up!" Sirius barked.**

**"James!" Peter yelled into his sleep-talking friend's ear. "Shut up!" **

**"Mmm…catnip," James muttered. Then he rolled over and kept on sleeping. **

**Remus looked at Sirius with a raised eyebrow. "Catnip? Odd choice." **

**"Didn't you know?" Sirius asked. "Prongsie-boy's trying to persuade McGonagall to go out with him. Suave ol' boy doesn't want to get any more detentions." **

**"Completely sickening, in my opinion," Peter scathed. "I mean, she's old and wrinkly." **

**Sirius threw his head up and barked a laugh. "And you know that from seeing her with her clothes on! What do you think it would look like with them off?"**

**Peter and Remus let out moans of terror, shielding their eyes with their hands. "Padfoot, that's grotesque," declared Remus, placing his armload of books on his bedside table. **

**"Hey, I can't help that she's old and ugly," Sirius said, shrugging. **

**"No, I meant that you would even want to know what Professor McGonagall looked like without her robes on," Remus replied easily, sitting down on his bed and picking up one of the books. **

**"I…er…I…" Sirius' mouth was moving like that of a fish, trapped out of water. **

**Remus and Peter laughed. "Really, Sirius, **_**James**_** wants to go out with McGonagall?" **

**Sirius snorted loudly. "I do not want to see McGonagall without her clothes on!" he said. "That is grotesque!" After he said that, he turned to Remus with a confused look on his face. "Moony, what's grotesque mean?" **

**"Sickening," Remus answered. **

**"Yes!" Sirius said, loudly again. "It's grotesque!" **

**--**

**"So, who's up next for pranking?" James asked. The four of them now sat in the library, in the far corner. The other students learned long ago to sit far away from the four, as those who sat too close tended to get used as target practice for some new spell they found. **

**"What do you know," Sirius said, pulling out the parchment with the teacher's names written on them, "McGonagall." **

**"Dear ol' sweet Minnie," James said, looking up at the ceiling in awe. **

**"Ew," Peter said, and looked down at the book in front of him. "Teacher-student relationships can be a little disgusting." **

**"How so?" Remus asked, flipping through the pages of his own text. **

**"Well," Peter continued in a bold moment of thoughtfulness, "can you imagine if Snape grew up to become a teacher here?" **

**"Potions professor, in all his evil, maniacal glory," James said. **

**"You forgot greasy," Sirius added. **

**"Ah, yes," James corrected. "Evil, maniacal, **_**greasy**_** glory." **

**Peter smiled. "What if he became a teacher here, and then some student decided to go out with him?" **

**"Ew," James said, looking up at her and wrinkling his nose. "That's sickening." **

**"IT IS **_**GROTESQUE**_**!" Sirius cried. **

**Madam Pince's evil glare rolled their way and the four of them quickly threw the invisibility cloak over themselves. When she returned to her reading, they removed it. **

**"That was close," James breathed. **

**"Yeah, Sirius," Remus said. "Shut up." **

**Sirius huffed. "Well, it is disgusting." **

**"We all agree on that," Remus said. "That's why student-teacher relationships are so…er..." He shook his head, unable to finish the sentence with any word that might provoke Sirius to yell his new favorite word again. **

**"No, Snape-anybody relationships are gross," James said. "I just want McGonagall to fall in love with me so I won't get anymore detentions." **

**"Fat chance," Sirius muttered. **

**--**

**The classroom was empty, or so it seemed. In fact, there were two boys huddled together under James Potter's invisibility cloak. One of the two boys was, in fact, James Potter. The other was one infamous, extremely attractive Sirius Black. **

**In his hand Sirius held a very large sack, which continued to twitch at odd intervals. **

**"Will you hurry up?" Sirius growled at James. "I can't stand this much longer - they stink!" **

**James was about to agree with the observation, when the classroom door opened and in walked Minerva McGonagall. She shut the door behind her and walked briskly to her desk. Standing behind it, she peered around the classroom to make sure no one was there before she opened the bottom left hand drawer and pulled out what looked like a fist-sized beanbag. She brought it to her nose and sniffed it, before rubbing her face against it. **

**James clamped his hand around Sirius' mouth just as he was about to bark out his laugh. He couldn't even breathe, and tears were coming to his eyes, he was trying so hard to keep from snorting out loud. **

**The bag Sirius had been holding had suddenly become lighter. Sirius looked down to see hundreds of mice, which is what had been in the bag, crawling over his feet. He paled and tapped James on the shoulder. He gulped when he saw what he was pointing at. **

_**Squeak. Squeak…Squeak!**_** The mice were not being silent, and McGonagall's attention was dragged from the ball of catnip. She sniffed the air before her stern eyes narrowed, sparking with a wildness the two of them had never seen before. **

**Then, she pounced. **

**Sirius was not really into the idea of getting attacked by McGonagall, who had been dragged too far into her Animagus instincts from the presence of a few mice. **

**Okay, more than a few, but this was James' fault. So, he did what needed to be done. **

**He shoved James out of the invisibility cloak and into the visible presence of Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall. **

**James swallowed hard. "Er…hello, Minnie, darling," he tried, and smiled. **

******* **

**"Two months of detention, cleaning the cauldrons in the dungeon?" Remus asked, looking over at James, who was staring off into space. **

**"It could be worse," Sirius admitted. "You could be stuck cleaning out McGonagall's litter box." **

**Peter giggled. "I think James would like that." **

**"Nah," James admitted, waving his hand to ward off the thought, "I'm over her."**

**"Sorry we had to ruin your potential relationship," Remus said, knowing there had been no hope at a relationship at all. He smiled apologetically anyway. **

**"That's okay," said James, clasping his hands together. "I have a new favorite love." **

**"Oh?" Remus asked with a raised eyebrow. "And who's that?" **

**"Professor Binns." **

**"But you can't even touch him!" Sirius yelped. "You just walk right through him!" **

**"I know," James sighed wistfully. "He's my gateway to Heaven." **


End file.
